Saturday, March 28, 2009

Only in America...

1. Only in America... ... can a pizza get to your house faster than anambulance.

2. Only in America... ... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... ... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... ... do people order doublecheese burgers,large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... ... do we use answering machines to screen call sand then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... ... do we buy hot dogs in packages of tenand buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10.Only in America... ... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

credits: jokes blogspot

Funny But True

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens ourskin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "PsychicWinsLottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing liquidmade with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that isused on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of tht stuff?

Why are they called apartments when they areallstuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress theopposite ofprogress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call theairport the terminal?

credits: jokes blogspot

Funny But True

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens ourskin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "PsychicWinsLottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing liquidmade with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that isused on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of tht stuff?

Why are they called apartments when they areallstuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress theopposite ofprogress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call theairport the terminal?

credits: jokes blogspot

Friday, March 27, 2009

Under the bed

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.

Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!

credits: jokes blogspot

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Last Evacuation Drill ...nice one!!!‏

In a large multinational company..............A fire alarm rang at 4 PM in a large office when almost all employees were in office (approx 5000).
As usual the entire office was evacuated within 3 mins & all employees gathered outside the office in the designated areawaiting for further announcement.

The Security Officer in charge made the following announcement :

"Dear employees - with sincere regret I have been asked to announce that for many of you it will be your last evacuation drill.
Due to the recession the company is laying off almost 50% of its employees.
So when this announcement finishes, I ask all of you to move back into the building and if your swipe card does not work then it means you have been laidoff in which case you will not be allowed inside and all your belongings will be couriered to you by tomorrow.The Company has used this innovative approach as we didn't want to fill up the email box with lay-off mails and good bye mails in thousands &also to avoid any fight inside the office and the consequent security issue for all staff.Hope you have had a rewarding career with us and all the best ahead.Please move back in & try your luck".

credits: email sent by nazmy (friend)

Funny Pictures






credits: jokes blogspot

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A girls first time

read the whole thing dont give up half way through it!
*a girls first time*
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put himoff for a while searching for an excuse, but he;refuses
to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has
found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's
gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's
done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him

;more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his

time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give

way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight
trickle of blood as he continues.
Helooks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod

for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb
to feel himwithin you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and

he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a

chuckle; that you have beenhis most stubborn yet most
rewarding experience.











































You smile and thank your dentist.
After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

credit: jokes blogspot

Sunday, March 22, 2009

When a student listen to music too much!

"inilah akibat bler student byk sgt dgr muzik. ngn cikgu pn bleh jd bahan mainan. adoyai"

Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 3'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened... .


Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Sam : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now.

Office
Time: 0900 hrs

Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Sam : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child)
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Sam : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife)
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Sam : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Sam : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold)
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Sam : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Sam : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera)
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Sam : "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car... "(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Sam : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I... "(Britney Spears)
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Sam : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Sam : "Every Morning They're A Hello... "(Sugar Ray)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Sam : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Sam : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys)
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Sam : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith)
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Sam : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Sam : "This I Promise You"(N*sync)
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Sam : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears)
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Sam : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer)
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Sam : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY :p

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. 
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE 

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs andcackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doingthe same thing to them at funerals.

credits: joke blogspot

Just For Laugh... HaHaHa

Grey hairs

"mummy, why are you having some grey hairs?" asked the little girl, watching her mum pulling them off. Her mother replied, "It's probably because of all the headaches you are giving me for being naughty." "Oh!!" said the girl. "Grandma's hair is also grey. Somebody's been giving grandma a lot of headaches. It sure wasn't me!!

Wife is like TV

Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)
At home watch TV, go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute, slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and often demanding,
Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..
Last but not least....... .
TV do not have virus, but h/p yes, have VIRUS, once get it, HABIS LA!
hahahahaha.. .....
so better choose TV!

Write good english

You might like this. This is hilarious... ......bet an Englishman could not construct sentences using numerals!

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10 he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7 -eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 -eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6 . He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 .

Especially to people who are about to get married

Especially to people who are about to get married

#CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying for it."

#CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

#CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

#CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

#CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

#CASE 10
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

#CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

#CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

credits: joke blogspot